Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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