dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
