Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
It's shark week go big or go home
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
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