Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
