I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My pussy is not your playground.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
