his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
