Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
