I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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