I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
we're chasing vodka with high fives
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
