Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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