i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
