You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
