Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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