so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I am midnight drunk by noon
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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