Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
