even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Walk of Shame today included voting.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
These tits shall not be calmed
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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