Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
id be glad to
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize