Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
