every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
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I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
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