I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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