The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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