No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
