I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Randomize
