im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
