im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
