I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
