On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
