Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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