Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
