her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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