M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
