I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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