yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
