I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
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We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
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He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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