Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
