you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
