Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Houston, we have a blender
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
