Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
