oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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