So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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