I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
