Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
