Can i not drive my cunt home
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
