I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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