Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
