She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
