I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
