Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
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