halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
