Plan B is the new Plan A
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
if only i could text you this smell
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Randomize
