I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
