he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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