I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
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