He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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