hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
