I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
