so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
Randomize
