Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
