You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
