Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
pray to the hookup gods
Someone stole a lamp last night.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
