A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
