I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
